Posts Tagged ‘self-help

02
Aug
16

Stop the Violence part 1

STOP THE VIOLENCE!

It’s so easy for someone else to say “Stop the violence”, especially if they have never been through what you and I have.  I can say stop the violence because I went through it.  The night my husband attacked me had been the-most-terrifying time of my life and afterward,  I thoroughly believed that filing a protective order would save and protect me.  I had never been so wrong.  Not even the police would help me.  My ex-husband’s attorney taught him to counter-file every charge I made against him when he would violate it.  He told him to make accusations against me, this would keep the police from wanting to get involved and it did.  Every time I called and complained he was at my house, he would counter that I had first come to his.  I called them one day after he was there at my home screaming profanities at me and the Sheriff’s deputy that showed up told me “You need to stop this yo-yo crap, we’re quite frankly getting tired of it and the two of you need to grow up.”  Now, imagine being the victim who is learning how to breathe without refracturing her sternum, this is not only heart-breaking, it’s literally terrifying, now you know that no one wants to help you, not even the police.

Now you can understand the meaning behind stop the violence  it’s about stopping the violence before it begins and getting those who are victims the real help they need.  Domestic violence isn’t a game, although the violator believes it is.  He/she believes that this is a game of control and he/she doesn’t want to lose.  They use every tactic available to them to keep you under control and make you look unbelievable.  DO NOT GIVE UP!  You can win this game because you are going to learn how to be a game changer in upcoming posts.  In the meantime, what you need to do is recognize the signs so the violence can be stopped before it even begins.

When you first met everything was coming up wine and roses.  You never knew happiness like this, but there were signs you didn’t recognize.  Not because you were supposed to, not everyone knows the signs.  When you began dating he/she didn’t start calling you names then.  He/she didn’t tell you to stay away from your friends, but they may have begun murmuring about you seeing them more than you do him/her.  They might have said something like “You see them all the time, I feel like you like them more than me.  Can’t you please tell them you can see them another time?  I need you, I need to see you.”  It makes you feel bad and you put off your friends.  So, to begin the STOP the VIOLENCE Campaign, don’t put your friends off.  This person you began dating knew you had your friends.  I’m sure you told them you all get together every Friday for lunch or drinks.  This shouldn’t stop because you’re dating someone.  If your significant other has no ulterior motive, then they will have no problem with you seeing your friends.  Invite him/her to go to and if they care about you, they will.  If they come up with an excuse as to why they can’t and you should be with them, you need to explain nicely that this is a continuously standing date with your friends and that your new partner’s friends are welcome to come along but your partner shouldn’t expect you to drop them.

If they come back with we see your friends but never mine, retort with, you and your friends are welcome to come to, the more the merrier.  If your partner doesn’t care for that, then tell them you can see your partner’s friends the next night.  If you keep getting flack, then this isn’t a relationship that’s going to work for your better.  This is beginning to look like an unhealthy start and you need to cut your losses.  I don’t care how sweet they are, there is more to it than what’s on the surface.  A partner who truly cares for you is willing to compromise, just as you would compromise with your partner.  If you decide to keep seeing your partner even after going through something like this, then you need to stay alert to further signs.  We need to STOP THE VIOLENCE.

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11
Feb
15

Heed the Signs: The Prevention of Domestic Violence Series 1

We all get excited over the start of a new relationship. The hand holding, soft kisses, shy smiles and getting to know one another. But how do we know when things in this budding relationship are about to go wrong?

Heed the signs!

There are signs in potentially hazardous relationships that prepare us for what’s to come. The problem for most of us, including myself, is that we don’t pay attention to them. When in a few weeks or months down the road, our new lover says they don’t want to go out with our friends, as they normally do a few times a month, we ignore that and take it to mean they just want to be alone with us.

Sometimes that is true, but when it begins to happen each time a date is planned with friends, then you are getting your sign. Now is the time to discuss it and ask why. We usually get an answer of I want to be with you, not your friends, I love you. Don’t you ever want it to be just us? Can’t we go out alone for a while? Why do we need to go with your friends?

You should be heeding these signs. This is the onset of what could potentially be the most hazardous relationship of your life. You will know when you spend a month or two with your new love and not with your friends. There are no more double or triple dates, or meeting up with friends for a drink. It will be just you and your new love and the one most important thing they count on is that by the time they make their move, you will have so much time invested in the relationship you won’t want to end it. But end it is what you should do.

Alienating you from your friends is NOT what a loving, caring partner does. This is the person who is showing one of the signs of domestic violence tendencies. This person and relationship could be potentially harmful to you. Be cautious if you refuse the advice to leave. Yes, a heart has been invested, but is it worth your life?




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